Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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