Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
