I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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