How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
