Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
