I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
