if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
