3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
