i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
