Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize
