Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A bitchslap is in order.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
