does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
