The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
