just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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