Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
