just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
