Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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