a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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