she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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