Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
