Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
