the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
