i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
