I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
