I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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