I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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