Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
