Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
