Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Less talking, more tequila
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
