DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
