I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
