every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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