youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
