So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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