The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
