so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
