i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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