why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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