my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
