franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
