I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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