she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
