yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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