It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
