he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
