btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
