what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
