Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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