take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
