i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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